Snippets from Justin Parsler.

Worst USPs ever!

Posted on | February 13, 2011 | 6 Comments

Below is ablurb and set of ‘key features’ (which could also be called USPs) for a game called ‘Altered Beast’ available on Gamersgate. This is also where the blurbs come from. I have not played the game, but the blurb(and more specifically the USPs) speak for themselves:

“Rise from your grave as Zeus, the legendary Greek God, brings you back to life with those famous words. You will set forth on a mission to rescue his daughter, Athena, from the wicked God of the Underworld, Neff. To survive the gauntlet of mythological foes, you must hunt down the three headed wolves that inhabit each stage and collect the Spirit Balls that they release. Spirit Balls increase your strength and allow you to transform into a variety of forms including a Werewolf, Weredragon, Werebear, Weretiger and the ultimate form of Golden Werewolf. Each creature possesses powerful attacks that are required to bring an end to the evil Neff.

Key Features

  • There are references to Alex Kidd and his girlfriend, Stella, in the first level of the game. Their names appear on tombstones.
  • The short reptilian creature that resembles a chicken later has a cameo in Golden Axe as the Bizarrian creature known as Chicken Leg.
  • The Japanese title for this game is Jyuouki”

Other than not being sure what ‘those famous words’ are, I am awestruck at how well those three ‘key features’ perfectly communicate what the game is all about. Not.


6 Responses to “Worst USPs ever!”

  1. David
    February 13th, 2011 @ 10:52 pm

    Altered Beast was pretty big on the Amiga, Mega Drive .etc. I think the start of the game featured a dodgy voice sample saying “RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE!”. It’s fairly famous, as far as such a thing can be – I think it has been sampled and referenced in a few things.

    Did I just fall into an elaborately constructed trap?

  2. Luke
    February 14th, 2011 @ 4:42 am

    I’m gonna agree with David.
    Altered beast was biggest on mega drive, for me anyway, and it’s referenced in a few things.

    Had fond memories of that static computery garbled “Rise from your grave.” and the catchy music.

    Heard there was a really bad remake for the PS2 where it was all explained as a “science experiment went wrong”. Got pretty bad reviews.

    Other than that, pretty nostalgic fun game, it always comes in those packets of games with golden axe/streets of rage/sonic the hedgehog 1 and columns.

    You should play it sometime.

  3. David
    February 14th, 2011 @ 7:40 pm

    A science experiment by Zeus, oh dear!

    If you get an emulator to check it out, have a look at Contra Hard Corps as well, it is MAGNIFICENT.

  4. Andrej
    February 24th, 2011 @ 12:48 pm

    I thought Hades was the god of the Underworld, not Naff

  5. Justin Parsler
    February 24th, 2011 @ 12:53 pm

    Well, indeed, but I don’t think mythological accuracy was their main focus here.

  6. David
    February 24th, 2011 @ 1:58 pm

    I don’t know, I think that even if it isn’t strictly accurate, it fits the spirit of Greek mythology fairly well …

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